What's on my mind? and who really really cares

Craziness that goes through my mind. Craziness that goes through my body and why am I so horny???

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Monday, November 18, 2002
hello. been a while. I am at work and had a few minutes to check in. I have been reading the Artist's way. and it tells us that we all have an artist in us. It has inspired me to write a book. I figure that I will start with short stories. I was even thinking of using my journals. You know spice it up a bit and see what happens. it is interesting as I have to think of a name. "My word" is the title so far. I have an erotic story that I can think of so far. My man thinks that it is boring.... Got no support from him. Its ok, not letting him bring me down. So anyway. I have the erotic story, I have not let anyone read it. Not sure who. I was thinking of Sharon, she is a good inspirator. I wrote it down, but now I need to type it and add a little. This one only has one main character and she is doing an erotic dance for this man. with dildo and all. I don't know. I wrote it and hell it turned me on. So I am thinking about that all the time. I need some ideas of what I can write about. I started another story about a motorcycle and how I prayed for some one to have some harm done and it worked. Again I have to put it on computer. My son is giving me a little bit of a problem. Not much but it is hurting my feelings. he is 15 years old and just doesn't listen. What to do?

The Holidays are fast approaching. I am worried about my finances. I think every bill is due and or late. My mortgage is late, my car payment is late, my main credit card is late. I sent them all off today with not enough money to cover. Next year, just like I say every year is going to be different with my finances. Boy am I stupid. Will I ever ever learn. Stop writing checks that my ass can't cash. It is simple.

Friday I am going to a Banquet...I can not wait, I like getting dressed up and looking pretty. It is at a hotel and I got a room for the night. Looking forward to that time together with no kids.

I gotta go

Tuesday, September 03, 2002
hey. today is my first day back from Vacation. remember that cruise I was tellin yall about, well you know I left the guy so I missed out on the cruise....No problem....I took the kids away for 5 days to the shore, we had a ball. spent too much money. Who says you have to go to an Island to have fun. Hell just being with your loved ones will do the trick "daddy". so I am here at the other office and relaxing my day away. It was too hard getting up this morning any daymn way.
How was my weekend, yall know that I am my mother's child right......So there is this guy, I met him when I took myself out on a date awhile back....way back. Nother ever came out from it...see now I can talk free cause anyone that matters don't know that I got this here diary goin on........anyway...we been takin it slow, ok we were takin it slow. We moved things up a notch or two. But it is all good. It is nice getting to know someone without using your body...that shit is hot. We made this connection for a few months before me physically connected. You know what else is sexy as hell.....praying together. Yall don't know nothin about that.....This mf took me to church a few weeks ago...ok a month ago and I been there since. He takes ups so much of my time, that I forgot about Ron....Ron who. I was digging the earwax out of Ron (lookin like Jerome of the Steelers with his fffffinnnnnneee ass) But hell, I was the only one doing the diggin. All Ron wanted to do was digg in my. ......... so to hell with Ron. Anyway. I also am being stimulated intellectually.....yeah.....how about that. He doesn't just agree with me cause I am cute. He takes control and handles thangssss.. Hell that is a turn on too. Sex....naw I ain't even going there....yall ever hear about what they say about those Virgo's???? Freaks...the whole "Lot" of them. But I like it.

What else yall want to talk about. So who else just wants to stay in the bed when September 11th rolls around? I can even stand to think about the date, maybe we can have September 10th and just skip to September 12th. You know the news is going to make us re-live it....damn media. Ok, I think that is it.

Guess what I met two Deneen's on the internet...crazy ain't it?

Tuesday, July 30, 2002
Ok...I made an entry and some how deleted the whole thought. So here we go again. I am at work and have plenty do do but I guess I better update yall cause I know yall been missing me. Me and my man broke up. As you know it was a long time coming. A mis-match we were. Sorry but I do not have any hate stories about the brotha...he has a good heart and will make someone happy someday.................... After I lick my wounds, I will be back in the game. (Sob Sob)

Had the women's retreat that I was telling you about - it was too much fun. I have some awesome friends and they really had a good time. We did not talk about men...we concentrated on something more important...ourselves. We talked about trust...trust in that things are going to work out the way they are going to work out and you have to have faith and trust in the process. Trust that whatever you are going through is leading you down that right road. We meditated. We talked about not sweating the small stuff. That topic bought out a lot of issues. We talked about patience. We went to the beach. We had a great sista weekend.

My kids are doing well. My baby is going to camp and she now has the notion that she is Peurto Rican...she is crazy. My other baby is working at the same camp that his sister goes to. I can not believe my son is going to the 10th grade, that is blowing my mind.

We are going to Wildwood shortly and I am looking forward to that. Ok. I need to get back to work. Holla.

Saturday, June 15, 2002
Hello out there. It has been too long, almost a month. What has been up with yall??? Lots with me. As I mentioned earlier, some of my girls are getting together for a women's retreat. I really need to get working on that, cause I want it together when I do my thang. We are going to talk about all kinds of issues that we have. Love, Hate, Insecurities, Faith, Trust. Men - of course... I will give you more details on that later. My job is going good. I actually like it. I am having fun there....believe it or not, remember when I couldn't stand it. My book club is losing one of its members, I am sure I shared that with you awhile ago. They are moving to Pontiac Michigan. We had a meeting last week and it was sad to see them go. Trish and Mike are having a baby. The baby shower was today. I went to that. It was at a nice little restaurant in G-town. Paulette and I drove up together. She is cool. Paulette and I have become really good friends. We do a lot of stuff together. We are going to see Monique next month, that should be fun. She and Audrey talked about having a card party. That should be fun. Maybe "Dancer" will be there. Would be nice to see the "Dancer". So my son is going to be working this summer. I don't know how my son got to be so grown. I think he went to get his ear pierced yesterday, I won't see them until Sunday as they are with their dad till tomorrow. For father's day we are going to cook dinner for my Grandfather and meet at his house - it is going to be a suprise. I was seriously thinking about going to the zoo tomorrow, they are having a members only evening walk. Sounds like a nice date, don't it. I wonder if my man will go with me? Probably not, haven't been able to get him to do anything lately....................................................................(that is all I am giving you on that) Maybe more later. I have learned to accept him the way that he is.......and that in some ways I have to go against myself cause when I am myself, I get hurt. BDWAMBIAMMC. (smile) I am listening to Angie Stone, if you don't have it, you might want to invest, it is off the hook. That reminds me, Will Downing is coming to town and when I am done, I may order me a pair. I saw "A Sum of All Fears", really a good movie. Check it out if you get a chance. Talk to you sooner. I am not going to make myself a stranger. Hey Deneen.....my BP girl - this is a shout out to you. Thanks for reading my journal. I wish we could one day meet.

Saturday, May 18, 2002
Hello....notice that I always write at night on Saturday ...what is up with that? So some of my friends are going to get together for a women's retreat. Sounds corny....no it don't. In July we are going to drive down tomy mom's house and just talk and talk and talk. Well anyway. I saw a cool movie yesterday, called Saltons Sea....check it out....":Momento like". Val Kilmer is CRAZY in it. I think y ou would like it. I didn't do anything today...include wash my butt. I was supposed to clean my house, but hell. I didn't. It was the perfect rainy day for that kind of crap. I did sorta clean my room. I changed around the computer set up. I finally went to Home Depot to pick up some flowers to plant. I may do that tomorrow. I will probably cook tomorrow too. Another movie that I saw was Kissing Jessica Stein... I even bought the soundtrack to it. (wish I didn't) I bought Remy Shand....that is a keeper. White boy is jammin.....another artist for the Neo Soul category. So back to Jessica Stein...it was funny as we women can relate, we can not find a man that is perfect for us...so she decides to experiment with a female. They turn out to be lovers.....great friends....the problem is that Jessica just ain't gay and can not get into the sex....hell she misses the "dick" ...all in all it is hilarious.

Thursday, May 02, 2002
Good evening. Came to some revelations this last week about myself. I had a few people help me realize that I take things way to seriously. That I ..... should relax and let things go. I realized this week that I have no patience. I have not patience with clients on the phone, I am wondering what takes people so long to answer my questions. They are not that difficult. But I always forget that PAJS. (Can't tell you what that means....if I do, I will have to kill you. Plus it just will hurt some feelings, and I do not want to to that. So May 1st you will see a change in the way that I communicate. I will not push - if it works good, if not....... YKIHNBFIML ....so why change now. work is getting so much better. My boss no longer thinks I am a dumb (you know what...begins with N) I think I have gained the respect that I deserve. Four people got laid off today....I was so suprised seeing that I left a firm that was going bankrupt. Nothing else is going on. Can not wait to see Spiderman.....Looking forward to the weekend....I may even join a gym. I may even get Brian to join too. That would be nice. Something that we can do together. Well it is almost midnight...It is a nice humid night, I think I will go upstairs...open the windows, light my candle and let the night air in and listen to my fountain. Good night. I am in good spirits tonight....oh wait, guess what....I checked my blackplanet page to see if I got any notes and got none. Is that embarrasing or what. Not even junk mail. I almost forgot to tell you, I got some bad news, a really good friend of mine is moving to Michigan and he has to be there by June 15th. What is the world coming to? I know I will cry. He and his wife belong to our book club. It was a sad day when I learned this awful news. I will miss you Broderick. Better keep that Yahoo address. I guess email is ok. my cell phone plan is awesome, just call after 9:00 and on weekends. We gonna have to have a big party for those two. ...Hell anything for a party.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002
Hello, boy has it been awhile. The subject for today is

Webster has communicate as the following: share, to convey knowledge of or information about: make known.
communication - a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs or behavior. the technique for expressing ideas effectively.

You, know maybe it is me. Maybe I want to sit down and have a conversation. Maybe I want you to tell me how you feel. Maybe I want more than a one word answer. Maybe I just want you in my life and I want it to be right. Mind reading has never been my forte'. Yes I claim to be clairvoyant, but DAMN HELP A SISTA OUT!!!!!!

Sunday, April 07, 2002
My computer is so fucin slow tonight that it is really really really pissin me off....I am so irritated. Why don't I sign off and sign back on to the internet? I don't know. Maybe I want to be irritated. Me being irritated just gives me an reason to be pissed that it is Saturday night and I am home....ALONE....on the computer. I am too fine to be home alone on a Saturday night at midnight. Ridiculous. He is at work...am I mad because he has to work on Saturday? Yes. Is this the first Saturday that he has had to work? No. He always works on Saturday night. But I am usually with him....well I used to be with him, now just life gets in the way and sometimes is unfair. So enough of that and my weekend boyfriend....wait not even weekend. Cause ain't this the weekend? and aint I alone. Alright so who's fault is it? nobody's....Shit, I coulda went to the movies. I coulda, but I been to the movies so much alone...It gets tired. I am trying to get over this feeling, that is why I am here. Needed the therapy that the Blog can provide by allowing me to get this shit off with my fingers and the keyboard. It is starting to work. I was going to sign off and go to bed, but maybe I will see what I can see on Black Planet. I was thinking of checking out a midnight movie but waited too long for that cause it is after midnight. Need to carry my ass off to bed. I am a little tired. So I guess I won't take out my frustrations out on anyone and wait for Sunday to come. Got some wine, maybe I will take some upstairs with me and see which thing I want to pull out....maybe start with a bath - light the candles and see what toy I wanna play with (ladies know what I am talkin about) But that can be a little empty....cause when you open your eyes, still ain't no body there.

Had a nice night last night. I saw my man, we went out for drinks, a movie and came back and made music. (smile) see this therapy is working, I smiled.

Today I had my book club meeting. Love those Black People like they was my family....hey I guess they are, known them for almost 10 years.

I got a new sister, Trinity.....Welcome to my family.... She is a awesome woman that I met at my previous job and we have become great great friends...she is my best friend. Nice to have a sister-girl in your life. You know sometimes, men just don't understand. anyway. She called me one day and asked me if she could be my sister. I have a sister, but hell. I got enough love for another one.

I wrote the note to Broderick. It turned out to be 3 pages long. It is pretty funny and was therapeutic typing it. I guess I will talk to you guys later. Thanks I am cool now. Holla back.

Monday, March 25, 2002
Hello everyone...or no one. Today at work was crazy....I figure one day I am going to get it together. No I still haven't written the thing for Broderick. I am going to make every attempt to do it tonight before I go to bed.

My kids are with their dad until Friday and guess what, I miss them. I was so lonely when I came home. I can not believe this. They have been gone since Saturday. I only need 2 days to be rejuvinated. The 2 days are gone and I miss them. Max has even been going up the steps and lookin in their rooms for them. Even he misses them. Max is a St. Bernard - he is 4 years old. He is wonderful. Good company. Follows me all around the house.

So I figured out how to add music to my page, not exactly what I had in mind, but it will do. Talk to you later.

Friday, March 22, 2002
The first week of my new job is done, I feel good today, wasn't a bad day. I have a good friend - Broderick that suggest that I write a letter and express how I feel. I am to send him this letter and then he will mail it back to me and some un-named time so that I can laugh about this. I am going to do it. He has such great ideas.

Did you know that you can get divorced in the mail..well you can. I am doing it. I am finally doing it. I can not wait to not be married to that man. That would make me feel good and less of a (need a word) not to mention that his girlfriend (10 years younger) is pregnant with his child. My husband's girlfriend's baby is due in May...is that some schit or what???? Talk about ghetto drama. anyway the book I am reading states that I should be impeccable with my word ... so I will end this discussion now.

So...tonight on a Friday, I am home. alone. my kids are here and if you know me, you know this is rare, they are with the abovementioned father on the weekends so this is a rare treat, they are in bed...they must have been tired (hard day at school, I reckon) But the good news is ....wait....I am building up the suspense....they will be with their father from Saturday at about 4 till Friday...can you believe it? Wow. What ever will I do?

I don't have much else to report for today. I will talk to you later. Have a good weekend

Wednesday, March 20, 2002
Training Day.....got to get it....."King Kong ain't got nothin on me!" Watching Denzel in that light made my "dick" hard...he was so damn sexy...don't tell my man I said that, cause you know I only have eyes for him.

So, today is Wednesday, after work, I took the kids to Rita's for free water ice. Today did not start off to great, I tried to kill my teenage son. I grabbed him by his neck and I accidently scratched him. I really felt bad. I did not mean to scratch him, I only meant to kill him (just kidding) He is 14 with a little attitude problem, so if he makes it to 15 it will be a blessing. So it rained and rained today, I could have just stayed home and stayed in the bed and watched tv....and you know what else.....so anyway

My new job...I started on Monday. It was tough being the new girl. I know nothing. I don't know where the bathroom is unless someone points me in the right direction. I could not find a stapler remover today, but atleast I would do envelopes today. Oh wait, yesterday was so sad...I was eating lunch and I looked around at all the other people and felt so sad...I thought, I don't have any friends.......I felt sad....yeah honey, I am definetly PMS'ing.

so me and my man are going to a comedy show on Saturday, looking forward to that, my girlfriend and I are going to see Men Cry in the Dark in a couple of weeks. That should be fun...right.

So what else....nothing, I guess I better go, thanks for listening. Holla atcha girl

Saturday, March 16, 2002
So. I feel like a "dick" I am really stupid when it comes to the computer. It feels like I don't know what I am doing. I have attempting to add music to my page for a week now to no avail. How can someone be so so so stupid. Yeah, I am feeling sorry for myself. I got a new job and I start on Monday looking forward to that. My boyfriend told me that we are going on a cruise in August. Gives me something to look forward to. Did you know that you can get a divorce in the mail? That is really trippin me out.

So after 3 hours, I have not learned how to add music, but I did add a diary and it is now 8:00 pm. is nothing done quickly on the computer. All this computer talk has really gotten me horny and hungry. I think I will add a photo page and then I will take a bath and go find my man.

So anybody ever watch 6 feet under? good show. I missed it on Sunday, I am going to have to record it tonight...it shows last weeks show.

I guess that is it for now. talk to you later